Excuse me.

I’m operating on three hours sleep.

I went to the opening of Eclipse last night.  At midnight.

Before you jump off of my page in fear that I am going to reveal some plot turn or devastating spoiler, rest assured, I am not.  There is nothing to reveal, anyway. Vampires hate wolves. Both want Bella for some unknown reason. They fight. The end. You’re welcome.

For me, the actual movie wasn’t even close to the most entertaining part of the evening.

Let me back up a second and clarify my position for you – I am not a true Twilight fan.  Oh, to be sure, I LOVED the books.  I spent 2 1/2 weeks of my life ignoring everything around me while I devoured them.  But the movies don’t actually interest me.  I could wait for them on Netflix.

What interests me is the whole Twilight phenomenon.  The MANIA.

I have this close friend who loves Twilight.  She has a wicked sense of humor and is in the same age demographic as I am.  She loves Twilight as much as she loves making fun of herself for loving Twilight.  And THAT makes it enjoyable.

She invited me to come along with her and some of her neighbors to the premier.  I, in turn, dragged my sister.  And that is where the hilarity began.

I don’t know how to describe the evening without writing a book myself, so I am going to limit this post to random observations of the night:

  • Customized puffy paint shirts (Dude, really?) emblazoned with the words “Eclipse” and “Team Jacob” on them.  A sea of “Team Jacob” and “Team Edward” apparel.  (Someone is making a bloody fortune, yo.)
  • Panic-induced soccer moms standing in line at 9:30pm in order to get good seats.  (Emphasis on the words “PANIC-INDUCED”) Teenagers in the same line sitting on sleeping bags texting each other. (Because why would you actually TALK to your friend?)
  • Fuzzy werewolves roaming the halls.   Psudo-Edwards and Bellas complete with white face paint and sullen demeanor.
  • Eight year olds in pajamas. (Because, duh, it is past their bedtime.) My sister and I were actually fortunate enough to be seated next to eight year olds in our theater.  Brilliant. Especially considering the fact that my sister is a teacher (of eight year olds) and was mortified at the thought that one of her students would catch her there and bust her.  Throughout the evening we would catch snippets of these girl’s conversation on important topics like passing notes, the school bus, Dippin’ Dots and, of course, Edward.  When the sort-of-sex-scene came on the screen we had to resist the urge to cover their eyes and ears.  (Always the mother, right?)
  • Cel phones. Texting. Everywhere. Laptops with the first two movies running on them. A sea of electronic lights and beeping sounds. Every single person in the theater had one. Totally not lying.
  • Did I mention the giggling?  Or the wistful sighs?  Or the squeals when the main characters did, well, anything?
  • Movie theater security teams taking down daft latecomers who can’t find a seat and are making a scene.  And by latecomers I mean people only one hour early.  (And who knew there were “security teams” for cinemas? Really?!)
  • Hundreds, literally hundreds, of females elementary school aged to seniors packing into the 16 theater cinema venue.  I think there were four gay guys and a couple of unfortunate husbands/boyfriends forced to see the flick as well but you were hard pressed to find them.  Have you ever experienced that kind of an estrogen-fest? Neither had I.

My biggest “challenge” of the night was watching Shark Boy, I mean JACOB run around without a shirt for most of the film.  I CAN’T NOT THINK OF HIM AS SHARK BOY. My kids loved that damn movie.  We watched it all the time.  Sometimes I would forget the whole sharky thing for a couple of minutes and find myself appreciating him (in a totally cougartastic way) only to be jolted back to reality with thought of him telling me to “dream a better dream.”  (I seriously hate that movie by the way.  Have I mentioned that yet?  It should be made into a drinking game. Every time they say the word “dream” you take a shot. I probably wouldn’t last six minutes.)

Really, I could go on and on.  But I won’t.  I think you get the picture.

And YES. Yes, it was worth it.  The movie was better than the previous two with some good action scenes.  The experience itself, however, will probably amuse me for years.

NOTE: If you are not a “Twihard” and appreciate the ridiculousness of it all like I do, then you HAVE to check out this post from The Oatmeal on “How Twilight Works.” Funniest. Post. Ever.

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