Ever have one of those friends who’s Facebook statuses make you laugh until you cry? Someone so witty you just want to unfriend them and steal their little gems of wisdom and pass them along as your own?

Well, meet my friend Karen Hockins. Yeah, she is that funny.

It’s My Kid’s Party and I’ll Cry If I Want To

 

Kid birthday parties.

Who cringed when they read that? We’ve all been to countless of these and in many cases really dreaded them. It can be especially stressful when it’s your own kid’s party AND you’re hosting a load of young kids at your home. (Perhaps some of you are now crying at the mention of that?)

 

I recently threw a party for my 6-year-old and decided to have it at our house because we have a backyard pool. I thought it would be easier and definitely cheaper, and overall it went fine, but the day did have its moments. The worst being when the dad dropped off his kid and said, “My daughter can’t swim at all and doesn’t like water. See you in 3 hours.” Outstanding! Thank you so much for bringing your kid to free daycare today, sir. Shouldn’t the parent of the child who doesn’t swim want to stay for safety purposes? Help a mother out!

 

Despite the fact that one kid clung to the side of the pool, terrified to move, the entire time (and you know who I’m talking about), the party was a success. I’ve started to believe that the period of panic before the party is probably more difficult than the event itself! I worry way too much about what could go wrong. So this year I decided to make a list of survival tips for these birthday parties. I got so cracked up at the thought of using some of these that I forgot to have my usual pre-party freak out. Maybe they’ll help you too. Party on.

 

Top Ten Tips for Surviving Your Kid’s Birthday Party

 

  1. Pre-party, get your doctor to prescribe something for anxiety. If it’s a male doctor, blame it on your period. If it’s a female doctor, she probably already prescribed something for you anyway because she knows you’re a mom. Taking something that has been prescribed for you is perfectly legal and you won’t get in trouble for being bombed at your kid’s party.
  2. To save money, do NOT give out goody bags. Tell the kids their reward is that Mrs. Hockins did not spank them at the party. (Talk in the 3rd person too – they’ll be too afraid to question you.)
  3. However, DO give a prize for the quietest child, and announce at the beginning of the party that you will be doing so. If you’re really brave, just hand the winner one of the crap birthday gifts that your kid received at the party. (That’s a bonus money saving tip for you.)
  4. Ask each kid who their favorite person is who’s attending, figure out who has the most votes, and then let THAT kid run the party. Let’s face it, they won’t listen to your anyway if you’re in charge.
  5. Hold up a beer and ask which kids know what it is. The ones that do probably have the cool parents that are worth getting to know socially. (You might as well get something out of this)
  6. Play some Tom Jones music at the party. When the kids request the Jonas Brothers or Justin Bieber, tell them that this will be those boys in about 40 years so they might as well get used to it now. (Those little musical jerks might even lose some fans over this – you’re welcome, parents!) If they want female singers, put in Amy Winehouse’s Rehab because that’s where all those little Disney mini-hookers are going to end up anyway.
  7. If any of the kids seem bored and ask you what they can do, tell them to fix you a sandwich. (They might as well get used to hearing that now.)
  8. If a child actually says she’s bored, hand her a box of Clorox wipes and your Swiffer. If you’re really brave, have her clean up dog poop.
  9. Make the following announcement – “Any child who invades my personal space has to rub Mrs. Hockins’ feet!” Works EVERY time – no one will get near you. (Don’t forget to keep the 3rd person theme going.)
  10. Wear your t-shirt that says “Gold Diggers. Like hookers….but smarter.” Some parents will be too afraid to let their kids stay. For the kids who do stay, make sure to explain the meaning of each of those words. That should reduce attendance at future parties.