This week my darling little ones are at “CAMP GRANDMA.”

That is right.  My husband and I have an entire week ALONE.  And it is WEIRD, y’all. I kinda don’t know what to do with myself.

Having all of this time to myself reminds me of all of the time I wasted before having children. I look back on it in utter shame. What a loss! All of the things I didn’t do or take advantage of! Stupid, stupid girl…

So as a public service announcement (of sorts) I would like to impart some of my years of wisdom to all of the childless folk out there.

SIX THINGS YOU MUST DO BEFORE YOU HAVE CHILDREN:

GO TO THE GYM: Knock off the excuses. I don’t want to hear about it. No, you actually DO have time to work out. Once you produce little ones your definition of “me time” will be relegated to hiding in the bathroom while your 4-year-old pounds on the door to let her in.  If you can’t even pee alone THEN and only THEN can you say you don’t have time to workout.

SPEND MORE THAN $5.00 ON CLOTHING: Girlfriend, buy pretty clothes for yourself. The minute you birth that child all of your articles of clothing will be used as a napkin, vomit mopper or burp cloth anyway. Like it or NOT. Buy and wear the pretty stuff now. (And be sure to take pictures of yourself wearing it to prove that you once were a fashionista.)

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, TRAVEL: You will never have more money or more time. EVER. Soon your money will be spent on formula and car seats and braces and college. Do. It. Now. (I still don’t own a passport and I am staring down 40. True story. Don’t be me.)

SEE A MOVIE. NO SEE TWO: Once the kids come, movies go by the wayside. Watching “Back to the Future” for the first time 10 years after its release is not nearly as fun as seeing it in the decade it was made. (Yes, I have a friend who did this. Pathetic.) The same rule applies to book reading. Reading in bed equals sleeping. You’ll never be able to keep your eyes open again.

HAVE MORE SEX: Trust me, it won’t be as convenient or spontaneous after the little ones come, no matter how hard you try. (Which reminds me, my kids aren’t here this week. Why exactly am I blogging, again?)

EAT WEIRD FOOD: You need to be experimental while you can. Eat the escargot. Flambe the dessert. Add garlic and cilantro and olives and hot peppers while you can. Be ever mindful of the chicken nuggets, hot dogs and mashed potatoes that will make up the majority of your future culinary escapades. Liven up those taste buds!

So how about it? Anyone else have anything to add to this list? What am I forgetting?