Yep, still on vacation! It is vacation week here at Hip As I Wanna Be which means that you get a chance to read some blogs penned by some of my favorite writers on the net. Like Lara from Chicken Nuggets of Wisdom. Love it!

Let’s get something straight here, I’m not your average everyday nut-job. I’m above average, most days. Truth be told, I consider myself practically pragmatic. Unlike my mother some people, I’m not buying into this whole 2012 Doom’s Day paranoia. You won’t find me stuffing my basement/bunker full of toilet paper, dehydrated chimichangas and Tang.

Furthermore, I firmly believe we’ve put an actual man on the actual moon. I’m not sold on the theory that a fraternity of evil gazillionaires are holding secret pow-wows deep in the Northern California forest to plan a new world order in which Speedos are required male beach attire. Nor do I buy into the notion that we are all Alien hybrids (though I do have doubts about a few people who hold public office). That said, after having received this year’s school supplies lists, I suspect something is up with teachers and Kleenex.

I am the mother of four pain in the posterior wonderful children. This year I sent one off to college. Good news about him, no school supplies list. Bad news tuition and textbooks. GULP! Two of the little darlings are in elementary school, the brooding twelve year old is in middle school. Now that you’re armed with superfluous information about my offspring, shall I continue?

I noticed something peculiar this year. On each of the mile long scrolls that comprise their supply list is a demand for a minimum of 3 large boxes of Kleenex. Yes I said three large boxes of Kleenex.  Okay I get it, children are germ-ridden-snot-filled-bags-of-ooze requiring the occasional leaflet of dead tree to serve as both barrier and clean up crew. Hello, I’m the mayor of Snottykidville, I empathize. But three large boxes per child? (did I mention the boxes were large and they wanted three of them?) This had me perplexed so I did a little “scientific” sleuthing.

In my five year old daughter’s class there are 22 children. If each child brings three large boxes of Kleenex, with 100 tissues per box that is 6,600 snot wipers per class. If a school year is around 320 days, that works out to roughly 21 tissues per drippy nose, per day. Multiply that by 2,000 kids in a school -ooh ooh hold on… brain pain… ugh… this feels too much like a word problem- well that’s a freakin’ heck of a lot of Kleenex sister! So what are they doing with it?

My first hypothesis was, bra stuffing. Not that I would ever have known anything about that practice. Alas, Mr. Carrilio’s unfortunate “issues” with chest over-foliage and the Victoria’s Secret body-by-silicon “no wonder” bra, pretty much nixed that one. The next thought was that perhaps they were using it to line the walls of the teacher’s lounge rendering it sound proof. I know, were I a teacher, I’d be all about that. After hours of deep and logical thought -assisted by Dr Smirnoff- I’ve come to the conclusion that they are planning a coup. Their opening volley in the war of attrition from the PTA will come in the form of a spit-ball barrage of epic proportions.

So gurd the fruit of your loins people. Whatever you do, if the teachers request industrial sized packs of straws, DO. NOT. under any circumstances comply! The fate of the Fall Frolic and holiday wrapping paper sale lays in the balance. It’s a Kleenex conspiracy I tell ya!