No, My 12 Year Old Won’t Visit Your Bedroom!

File this under “who the hell is this girl and why is she texting my 12 year old son about being lonely in her bedroom?”

My head is about to explode.

My 12 year old son is experiencing his first go round with the opposite sex. He has been on and off again with a girl I will call “Ann.” (I really should nickname her Jezebel but I am being nice.) Their relationship consists mostly of texting and saying hello to each other in school.

No big deal.

Until the stupid girl games started. And now my head hurts.

First the girl broke up with him (via text, of course) because her friends all told her that she could “do better.” (Ouch.) Then she kept texting him because she apparently really wanted to be friends or more but she didn’t want her friends to know. (Oh brother.) Then they were dating. Then they were not. Then they were friends again.

And then this past Saturday night in the middle of a texting conversation together, she sent him this zinger… “Hey I was wondering… do you want to visit me in my bedroom, sexy?” Then she asked him for a picture of his private area.

I know, right? She is 12.

And he had no idea what to say. So thank the Lord he decided not to say anything at all. (And that he showed the texts to his father and I because he was so taken aback.) The conversation lingered on a bit where she continued to talk about how lonely she was in her room and could he come visit?

Oh. My. Freaking. Word.

First girl. First phone.

It could have been  much worse. She could have sent a picture. He could have answered inappropriately. Her father could have found the text.

I know this is only going to get worse the older he gets.

So I am sending the question out to the universe to all of the moms who have been through this or worse… how do you handle situations like this?

 

33 Responses to "No, My 12 Year Old Won’t Visit Your Bedroom!"

  1. Jo-Lynne {Musings of a Housewife}

    I have no freaking idea but my son is 12 and I am so not ready for this.
    Jo-Lynne {Musings of a Housewife} recently posted..Weekly Meal Plan 03.05.12My Profile

  2. Tracy O'Dowd
    Tracy O'Dowd 876 days ago .

    Ohhhh Jenn…our family ended up in a similar situation when my son was in 7th grade. (He’s in 10th now.) I quickly placed a phone call to the girl’s parents. At first they tried to blame my son, but I had saved the texts to show them that their daughter was the instigator. Once they realized this, they were mortified by their little darling’s behavior. I think she was put on restriction for the rest of her life! Anyway, a phone call from you and your husband to the parents may open up their eyes to their daughter’s inappropriate behavior before it gets really out of hand…like on the show 16 and pregnant. Good luck to all of you!

  3. JennieG
    JennieG 876 days ago .

    I was really upset. It is like his innocent bubble was just burst and now that phone has different possibilities than it did before. 12!

  4. Sue
    Sue 876 days ago .

    That girl needs protection from herself. Kudos to your boy though. I have a 12 y/o darling tom-boy of a daughter that he is welcome to text with anytime- as soon as she gets a phone- which is never. Deep breath… you are doing a terrific job.
    Sue recently posted..Over 40 Best Boy Buns in Country Music ContestMy Profile

  5. Jennifer
    Jennifer 876 days ago .

    I agree with letting her parents know. It sounds like she is really easy to peer pressure by her friends and it makes me wonder if they put her up to it, and even if they were there with her when she did this. Definitely high five your son for coming to y’all and not responding to her. It really gives you the chance to teach him what to do in these types of situations.

  6. Rajean
    Rajean 876 days ago .

    Oh, it’s not easy. My older kids didn’t have their own phones until they were 15 (simply eliminates them from using their OWN phones, I know). You must talk with your kids, often, about the laws, dangers, the fact that it might not even be a text from the person they know, it could be someone else posing. Sexting, ugh, that seems to be happening younger and younger. Involve the other parents, schools, authorities.
    Rajean recently posted..#VlogMoms – Who or What Makes You Giggle?My Profile

  7. Mama Mary
    Mama Mary 875 days ago .

    Oh my freaking word is right. Dude! My girls are 3 and 5 and I am already freaked out about this kinda stuff. I know it happens young, but 12? Help us all! Also, I am REALLY glad texting/email/etc was not around when I was growing up!

  8. JennieG
    JennieG 875 days ago .

    I know, right? I would have never made it through. Passing notes was bad enough. My son has been hounding me about getting photos enabled on his phone… NO WAY, JOSE! I see where all of this is going. Photos would be bad.

  9. JennieG
    JennieG 875 days ago .

    Great advice and great to know that I have you to go to if I have questions. I’m getting a real baptism by fire with this girl. Keeping my eye on it very, very closely.

  10. JennieG
    JennieG 875 days ago .

    You know what? I think they were there with her. She just told my son that “they” took her phone and did it without her knowledge. Sure. They. Did. I think it was all a game and just think of what they were trying to lure him to do. And they are only 12. Sigh.

  11. JennieG
    JennieG 875 days ago .

    Thanks lady. He asked me yesterday if he could have Facebook. UM, NO. JUST, NO.

  12. Sue
    Sue 875 days ago .

    Just for a hypothetical… if that girl took an inappropriate pic of herself and sent it to your boy, or vice versa, it’s there forever. Then years from now the pic resurfaces and whoever has it (stored somewhere on some device) is guilty of possession of child porn. Or attempt to distribute. Happened to high school kids recently who got in grown up trouble for crap that happened in middle school. No to camera. No to Facebook. No to this girl.
    Sue recently posted..Over 40 Best Boy Buns in Country Music ContestMy Profile

  13. JennieG
    JennieG 875 days ago .

    Ahhh!!!! I need to sit down with my boy and educate him on all of the things I’ve worked so hard to shield him from. Shit.

  14. Kelly
    Kelly 875 days ago .

    As a mother of a 12 year old boy myself, I have to say that it says something that your 12 year old still feel comfortable talking to one of you about this or showing one of you the text. I think you’re on the right track if you have open communication still in your pocket at 12.

    And I agree with Rajean in that you need to make sure that you continue to talk to your kids about the dangers of sexting and the long term consequences of behaving inappropriately online.

    Also, I personally would forward the text to your phone and then to the girl’s parents. Let them do with it as you will, but as also a parent of a daughter I would want to know if my daughter or her friends had lost their minds on the phone or the internet.
    Kelly recently posted..Overcoming Women’s Uncomfortable Relationship With MoneyMy Profile

  15. Kelly
    Kelly 875 days ago .

    Oh my word. First of all, kudos to your son for being aware and close enough to you to share it with you.

    Secondly, I think you need to have a sit down and talk to him about not maintaining a relationship with this girl. You can block her number from texting him.

    Unfortunately you need to put a call into her parents and let them know what’s going on, but know this may also cause some issues for your son at school and with his peers and prepare him for that.

    We simply don’t allow our oldest to have access to that kind of technology yet-he’s just not ready to handle that (some adults aren’t either, but I digress). I don’t think it’s fair to ‘punish’ him by taking away his phone completely but look into how you can limit his access and tell him how proud you are of him for sharing this with you.

  16. Amy B.
    Amy B. 875 days ago .

    He told you about it, which means you’ve done something very, very right as a parent. Give yourself a pat on the back!
    Amy B. recently posted..L’Odyssée de CartierMy Profile

  17. Christina
    Christina 875 days ago .

    Both of my oldest daughters have smart phones and both know we do random phone checks – often. I also match up our cell phone bill with the texts on their phones. Any deleted texts that we have not seen – phone is forever MINE. My oldest received an inappropriate “forward” from a boy a few years ago – my husband went straight to his parents. They denied the whole thing was the fault of their son and won’t speak to us any longer….but we had BOTH kids best interest at heart. And to the point of Kelly…..She became known as “the girl with the crazy dad”. We are fine with that :)

  18. Malia
    Malia 875 days ago .

    This is our house rule: phones and computers are not allowed in the bedroom and when friends who have phones come over, their phones go in a basket in the kitchen. They can use them, in front of us, to call/text their parents.

    It’s really, really good that your son showed you that text. The next step would probably have been for her to send an inappropriate picture of herself. I’m not sure what the laws are like in other states, but where we live, kids can get into big, legal trouble if they have nude or semi-nude photos of other kids on their phones. And my daughter’s school has expelled students for such behavior (sending and receiving/harboring such photos on cell phones). It’s really quite serious because depending how old they are (12 is still really young but in some states it could be as young as 16) they could be marked for life as a sex offender.

    Sorry for the long-ish comment (I saw this post linked on FB.) I guess I’m a little hyper sensitive to this since we’ve already had to discuss it with our 11 year old daughter due to the things that happened at her school earlier this year. I was so not ready to go there either but it was definitely time to address it. Best of luck to you!

  19. Kadie
    Kadie 875 days ago .

    Ahhh!!!! 12?? I would say that maybe it would be appropriate at that age for him to only have the phone when he’s not with you guys. Then he can just tell the girls that his mom might get the text if they send something bad…since you will have his phone. Haha. Just an idea. I don’t know…none of this stuff was around when I was in school, and my son is only 3. I really don’t think he’ll be getting a phone until he is old enough to pay for it himself….and I will still be checking it then. Lol (This is a lot like the ideas I had before I had my son…about how he’d never have a tantrum in public and things like that. I’m sure it will change).
    Kadie recently posted..Any movement is better than standing stillMy Profile

  20. Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy

    Sue, your comment echoes what I was going to say. Kids need to realize their digital footprint starts with their first text, email, etc.

    Kids are mean, girls are cruel to each other. All it takes is for one of her “friends” to turn on her and tell everyone else she’s been sending sexy texts and then it’s her word against her “friend.”

    Your son did the right thing. I hope the girl has someone in her family to steer her in the right direction as well.
    Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy recently posted..Toe Tappin with The Lorax SoundtrackMy Profile

  21. Grace Duffy
    Grace Duffy 875 days ago .

    My kids are 5 and 2. So, I have nothing to add to the terrific advice already given, but kudos to you for being a level-headed and involved parent!

    I agree that you should talk to her parents in a direct, friendly, and collaborative manner. For all you (we) know, it was the friends who sent that stuff to embarrass Julie and it’s worth a conversation on her end on peer pressure, boys, etc.

    This only further emphasizes the need to have conversations with sons and daughters about taking equal responsibility :-) Good for your son for coming to you with this!

  22. Lolli @ Better in Bulk
    Lolli @ Better in Bulk 875 days ago .

    OK, ready? I have two girls and one boy over the age of 11. Let’s just say that I had an experience a year+ ago that completely shocked me. My husband got a call from a concerned mother of a boy. My daughter and her best friend were named. Turns out that my daughter’s BFF had started emailing this boy as another girl in their grade and it was all kinds of inappropriate. Basically, threatening the boy physically if he didn’t get her pregnant. At 12. We were shocked to hear about these emails and could not imagine either our daughter OR her friend, who we’ve known (and her parents) for years. We were certain that the girl named in the email MUST be the one who had written them. We all sat down together, both girls and both sets of parents, and through lots of tears they told us what had happened. The friend started the conversation as something funny…..and then my daughter came over and it did not stop. What they did was abusive. While my daughter was not the one writing the graphic emails, she was there and she did not stop it from happening.

    The funny part (if you can call any of this funny) was that the boy’s email address was really his mom’s, and so she was reading everything. I’m just glad that it stopped earl on (and I know my daughter was scared out of her socks and will never stand idly by).

    Also, my kids don’t have their own phones and we have monitored their computer time (they have to ask permission and declare that they are going on the computer before logging on). The sad thing is that there is no fool proof way to protect your kids. 12 is a horrible time for kids to stretch and experiment, and girls at that age can just be nasty. I would rather have my kids out there making a few mistakes and learning than completely sheltered and rebelliously curious.
    Lolli @ Better in Bulk recently posted..The Scent of ChildhoodMy Profile

  23. Lolli @ Better in Bulk
    Lolli @ Better in Bulk 875 days ago .

    Holy cow. That was a novel. ;)
    Lolli @ Better in Bulk recently posted..The Scent of ChildhoodMy Profile

  24. Gena Morris
    Gena Morris 875 days ago .

    I am not at all shocked since I have a 12 year old and have seen and heard the things that can be said. I really go into WHY we do not act like this and what their thoughts are. Yes I learned what Motorboating was when I read a text from a boy to my daughter! I was pissed. But we talked about why she shouldn’t act this way and basically turned the conversation on her. I didn’t tell her what my beliefs are. I asked her what she felt was appropriate. So far things have been okay with this. We have also talked about how she sees someone that would let someone do this. It really opened her eyes to not have me pushing my own beliefs but letting her raise her own which are similar in mine.
    Gena Morris recently posted..Tuesday Tunes: I look so good without youMy Profile

  25. Cindy
    Cindy 875 days ago .

    My son is only 8, and asks at least once a month for a FB or a phone. Of course, the answer is no. I am so not ready for this!

    My younger sister (who turns 11 next month, LOL) just changed to a new school, yesterday. She said the girls were all really nice, but the boys were creepy, because they all kept telling her she was hot. Even though my mother has been through this with me and two of my other sisters, she’s in a bit of her panic; the Internet/technology just wasn’t what it is now when were growing up!

    Kids are in such a hurry to no longer be kids… it makes me so sad. I just hope my son does what yours did if ever in a situation like that.
    Cindy recently posted..Boosting Business with PintrestMy Profile

  26. Jessica McFadden - A Parent in Silver Spring

    What Amy said! I am so impressed by your son AND your parenting!!
    Jessica McFadden – A Parent in Silver Spring recently posted..GIVEAWAY: Petrushka Puppet Production at the Shakespeare Theatre Company – Two Tickets & Promo CodeMy Profile

  27. shelly
    shelly 874 days ago .

    Are you KIDDING me? TWELVE? My son is 12 and there is just no way I can imagine this. That girl must have some very interesting friends and background to be so overtly sexual already. MY goodness! That is scary. My son doesn’t have a cell phone yet, so I guess I won’t have to deal with this texting issue for a while. He does have his own email account but I told him I had to know the password and was allowed to check it if necessary since it’s an extension of my account.
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  28. Mindi
    Mindi 874 days ago .

    Ugh at 12?!?!?!? I am NOT ready for this. My boys are just 11 months and 3 so I have a bit to go but wow I’m shocked. At 12 I was still probably playing Barbies.

  29. Leticia- Tech Savvy Mama
    Leticia- Tech Savvy Mama 874 days ago .

    It’s one thing to talk about this all the time and try to educate parents about it on my site but I know that I don’t feel personally ready for this day to come in our home. I can only hope that when it does, I will have instilled some sort of common sense that makes them want to bring these things to me like your son did, rather than acting on them.

    Kudos to you mom for a job well done! I’m totally coming to you in the not-so-distant future!
    Leticia- Tech Savvy Mama recently posted..Conversation and Shared Meal with Dr. Oetker Keeps Romance AliveMy Profile

  30. Sugar Jones
    Sugar Jones 874 days ago .

    Holy WOW!! I can’t even imagine how you responded when you first saw that. Sexy??? Crimeny!! Your son is so smart to take that to you guys right away. That tells me that you two are doing a great job at parenting. Kudos!
    Sugar Jones recently posted..CocooningMy Profile

  31. Andrea (Lil-Kid-Things)
    Andrea (Lil-Kid-Things) 874 days ago .

    HOLY CRAP. This is so insane! My boys are young, but I can only hope your communication will be this good when they are 12. All I can say is buy that boy a pony or something to let him know that talking to you is GOOD. Other than that, practically maybe have a rule that he has to turn his phone in to you at the end of the day? Or it has to charge in your room or something?
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  32. Lance
    Lance 874 days ago .

    My odlest daughter is 16 and we’ve been dealing with this for 4 years. My wife and I are pretty diligent about checking her phone, room, and the facebook. My daughter is a really good kid but of course not all of the people she knows are that way. The couple of times we’ve run across things she’s said or texted, there’s been a long talking too and stuff penalty. You can trust your child but not trust anyone else’s and not come across like a lunatic. Then again, who cares if you do. It’s your son, and you only have one shot at getting all of this right.

    I think you have a good kid. He showed his dad. That’s awesome.
    Lance recently posted..Have A Little Faith In MeMy Profile

  33. Dani
    Dani 869 days ago .

    Oh my gosh – I am so not looking forward to stuff like this. I only hope that my kids come to us first like yours did.
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