This is the post in which I profess that I almost inflicted grievous bodily harm unto myself.

It started out innocently enough with a simple shopping trip to the mall with my mother. We had a lovely lunch together and picked up some rather snazzy back to school clothes for the boys. (Boxer shorts? Really? When did THAT happen?!)

And then mom innocently suggested we stop by Jo-Ann Fabrics before heading home.

OH. MY. LORD.

Now, I’m not a newbie to Jo-Ann Fabrics. In fact, I pretty much lived there back in my Cub Scout leader days. But I’ve never been with my mother WHILE SHE WAS SEARCHING FOR FABRIC. Believe me, that is another story entirely.

The woman couldn’t make up her ever-loving mind.

What began as an innocent trip for a male-appropriate fleece pattern morphed into one that also included pillows and new dining room seat covers with “birds” on them.

It was the birds that did me in.

 Jo-Ann’s has somewhere in the neighborhood of the gagillion patterns to choose from. Really. It is a tad overkill in my book. Are a gagillion patterns REALLY necessary, people?

Anywho…. mom was searching and searching isle after isle for the right fabric, right pattern, right color and one with BIRDS. (I have no idea why the woman is fixated on birds right now, but she is.)

I was like a toddler whining alongside of her, “Mommmmmm. How much lonnnnnnger is this going to take? Why do you need birds? The chairs look fine the way they are. Nobody buys fabric anymore, anyways. Can’t you order new chairs? This place smells funny. The lines are waaaayyyyy too long. Can we go now? How much lonnnnger is this going to take?!”

If I had a weapon, I swear I would have used it on myself. Turns out, all I had were a couple of half-used gift cards, a pair of sunglasses and some lip gloss.

I have a sneaky suspicion that she drew the process out just to see me hyperventilate.

Incidentally, she never found “the perfect” pattern. Ahem.

By the time we left that store I was searching for a bar. And she was laughing hysterically and my lack of patience and domesticity.

I am so never going back there again with her.

But I will be mailing her bird patterns for the rest of her life.