Guilt.

It is what I am all about.

Since my oldest began school nine years ago, he has had challenges. We’ve always had an IEP. (I think he was born with it in his hand.) Some years have been effortless. And others, well, others have NOT.

I ache for his struggles.

I worry (oh how I worry) about his future.

And I submerge myself in guilt.

Because try as I may, I can’t conquer it all. I just can’t. I’VE TRIED.

The more accomplished I am at work, the more guilt I feel about my lack of mothering skils. The more accomplished I am as a mother, the more guilt I feel about my lack of professional skills.

I never seem to do enough to make them both co-exist together peacefully in my head.

NEVER.

EVER.

ENOUGH.

Perfectionist much?

I have this nagging concern that I’m not REALLY doing the best by my kids. Am I on top of their emotional growth? Are they stimulated and well-rounded? Are their educational needs being met?

Sigh.

At the same time I’m wondering if I should be doing more at the office. Can I be working smarter? Should I be working later?

Double sigh.

I’m just keeping it real here, people.

I know many parents struggle with the same guilt. We’re not alone in our journey. We talk about it in groups. We read about it in books. We watch it reported on in the news.

Still, every once in awhile we allow ourselves to enter into a deep despair and let it overwhelm us.

At least, for a time.

And then, being the good soldiers we are, we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and move forward in the best way humanly possible.

It is on those intense guilt-ridden days that I do a FULL STOP and hug my kids a little tighter. I jump on beds with them. We eat too much sugar together and do all of the things that normally we would forego.

I don’t know if I’m a good parent or a bad parent. I hope that my boys can reflect back on their upbringing and recognize that I loved them very much and that I did the very best I could with the resources I had.

At the very least I hope they remember the occasional sugar rush.