I hate horses.

Okay, maybe HATE is too strong a word but DISLIKE isn’t. I strongly dislike horses. I’m sorry, but it is true. When I was 14 I was literally RUN OVER BY A HORSE. Yup. Hoof prints right up my back.

Not my most awesome day.

Since that fateful incident, I’ve kept my distance from horses and horse people. And you won’t catch me watching a  horse movie, either. Not gonna happen, man.

So it was with much trepidation that I agreed to attend a charity function celebrating – wait for it – the Kentucky Derby. It all came about due to the fact that the magazine was a sponsor of the shindig produced by the United Way of Frederick County.

And then the  husband agreed to go.

It was only after I pulled the trigger on our attendance, that I found out about the need for alarmingly expensive headgear. I’m not sure if it is a fashion rule per se, but I’ll be damned if every single picture of a woman attending a Derby themed function doesn’t have a ginormous hat in it.


Suffice it to say, I’ve never had a reason to invest in a gigantic hat. Because I don’t a.) live in England and b.) attend polo matches or country club functions every weekend.

So I bought one. A giant black (natch) number with a rather large flower perched on it.

Me and my ginormous hat!

I felt ridiculous, of course.

I discovered quite quickly that if one does not practice sauntering around in said hat, one will be a mobile hazard to both themselves and others. I’m absolutely not kidding. Within 10 minutes I ruined my pedicure and almost poked my husband’s eye out. (In the wrong hands, hats can double as damn good weapons.) 

But I wore the weapon of mass destruction to the horse event anyway. I figured I could take out any wiley equine if the need arose. Thankfully the  mint juleps (Bourbon, Y’all) were flowing freely and I was able to relax and enjoy myself. I even got into the Derby a bit. (Mad props to the bourbon.) 

Derby Day Gals

In case you were wondering, my husband made it out alive and without further scarring. However, he has forbidden me from wearing more hats until I am properly trained.

United Way Event Collage


As an aside, the event was tons of fun and the organization plans to host it again in 2015. I will certainly be in attendance and will hopefully have more experience in the fine art of hat selection.