May I vent for a moment?

<— This is what my desk looks like right now.

Jealous?

I don’t know what I have done to piss off the universe but boy,  my entire world is colliding these days.

It has been the kind of week where you get in the productivity zone for survival’s sake and keep pressing forward full speed ahead LEST YOU DROWN. (Essential mantra: “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.”)

Ever experienced it?

Happy to say that I haven’t missed a deadline YET…

Of course  I am a wee bit late on that one pesky article.

Oh yeah, there is also that board report due in the morning. Better also get the press release serviced and conference call scheduled.

Can’t forget to arrange a ride for the kid’s soccer practice on Thursday and Friday.

Hmmm… now that I think about it, I really should bleach the house and do laundry before my in-laws visit this weekend.

Oh and there is that pesky marathon I’m supposed to run on Saturday. Better not forget that commitment.

Oh hell. Somebody call in a lifeguard. I’ve got the feeling that I may need a little assistance after all. Got a strategy you can recommend?

I was robbed, y’all.

Admittedly, I had my babies 100 years ago (roughly) but still… I feel ROBBED.

I’m talking about “push presents.” Push presents were not around back in my day.

According to Wikipedia, a push present (also known as a “push gift” or “baby bauble”) is a present a new father gives a new mother when she gives birth to their child. In practice the present may be given before or after the birth, or even in the delivery room.

And these presents aren’t small, oh no…

Rachel Zoe, stylist to the stars, was given a nearly 10 carat cushion-cut diamond ring designed by jeweler Neil Lane. Sarah Jessica Parker received a $6,000 charm bracelet after the birth of her son James Wilke. Tom Cruise gave wife Katie Holmes an 18-karat gold Cartier Love bracelet. And rumor has it Marc Anthony gave J. Lo a $300,000 canary diamond ring and a $2.5 million set of earrings, custom-made with diamonds imported from South Africa. (Naturally)

Wow.

Would I have liked a push present? Absolutely! But my idea of a spectacular push present is a little different.

My idea of cool push presents benefit the entire family:

• Five years worth of house cleaning service (Just until the little one hits kindergarten. Totally understandable.)
• A pre-paid spa treatment every month until the new baby… goes off to college (Back me up here, ladies. If momma ain’t happy…)
• A personal trainer (Hey, it benefits the husband too!)
• A personal chef (Who really wants to eat a meal created by a woman so sleep deprived that she can’t remember her own name? There is no telling what could be in that stew!)

So what are YOUR thoughts? Did you get a push present? What was it?

My son is having problems organizing himself in middle school. He is forgetting assignments and missing deadlines on quizzes. Suddenly it is up to his mother to teach him organization skills and how to manage deadlines.

Oh yeah. I’m TOTALLY qualified. Take a look at my desk RIGHT NOW. He doesn’t stand a chance.

Do you make THE LIST?

Surely you know what I am talking about. I can’t be the only one.

I was watching the trailer for Sarah Jessica Parker’s new movie “I Don’t Know How She Does It” and was struck by how similar our lives seemed. (Except for the whole living in Manhattan and looking stunning in business clothes because I am a size zero part. Because that is so not my reality.)

I confess that I laughed out loud when she described her nightly ritual of  forgoing sleep in order to make “THE LIST.” I do the same thing every single night. THE. SAME. EXACT. THING. In fact MY list making has gotten so out of hand that I now have a mini three ring binder with tabs labeled for work, family and blogging on my nightstand.

Many a night I find myself bolting out of a deep slumber to log something new in it’s appropriate tab. Over-the-top? Obsessive? Slightly pathetic? Maybe. But it is the glue that keeps this frantic working momma together. Without it… I am lost.

A sampling of what is in my binder right now:

Fess up! Anyone else use make “THE LIST” at night? What is on yours?

This week my darling little ones are at “CAMP GRANDMA.”

That is right.  My husband and I have an entire week ALONE.  And it is WEIRD, y’all. I kinda don’t know what to do with myself.

Having all of this time to myself reminds me of all of the time I wasted before having children. I look back on it in utter shame. What a loss! All of the things I didn’t do or take advantage of! Stupid, stupid girl…

So as a public service announcement (of sorts) I would like to impart some of my years of wisdom to all of the childless folk out there.

SIX THINGS YOU MUST DO BEFORE YOU HAVE CHILDREN:

GO TO THE GYM: Knock off the excuses. I don’t want to hear about it. No, you actually DO have time to work out. Once you produce little ones your definition of “me time” will be relegated to hiding in the bathroom while your 4-year-old pounds on the door to let her in.  If you can’t even pee alone THEN and only THEN can you say you don’t have time to workout.

SPEND MORE THAN $5.00 ON CLOTHING: Girlfriend, buy pretty clothes for yourself. The minute you birth that child all of your articles of clothing will be used as a napkin, vomit mopper or burp cloth anyway. Like it or NOT. Buy and wear the pretty stuff now. (And be sure to take pictures of yourself wearing it to prove that you once were a fashionista.)

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, TRAVEL: You will never have more money or more time. EVER. Soon your money will be spent on formula and car seats and braces and college. Do. It. Now. (I still don’t own a passport and I am staring down 40. True story. Don’t be me.)

SEE A MOVIE. NO SEE TWO: Once the kids come, movies go by the wayside. Watching “Back to the Future” for the first time 10 years after its release is not nearly as fun as seeing it in the decade it was made. (Yes, I have a friend who did this. Pathetic.) The same rule applies to book reading. Reading in bed equals sleeping. You’ll never be able to keep your eyes open again.

HAVE MORE SEX: Trust me, it won’t be as convenient or spontaneous after the little ones come, no matter how hard you try. (Which reminds me, my kids aren’t here this week. Why exactly am I blogging, again?)

EAT WEIRD FOOD: You need to be experimental while you can. Eat the escargot. Flambe the dessert. Add garlic and cilantro and olives and hot peppers while you can. Be ever mindful of the chicken nuggets, hot dogs and mashed potatoes that will make up the majority of your future culinary escapades. Liven up those taste buds!

So how about it? Anyone else have anything to add to this list? What am I forgetting?