May I vent for a moment?

<— This is what my desk looks like right now.

Jealous?

I don’t know what I have done to piss off the universe but boy,  my entire world is colliding these days.

It has been the kind of week where you get in the productivity zone for survival’s sake and keep pressing forward full speed ahead LEST YOU DROWN. (Essential mantra: “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.”)

Ever experienced it?

Happy to say that I haven’t missed a deadline YET…

Of course  I am a wee bit late on that one pesky article.

Oh yeah, there is also that board report due in the morning. Better also get the press release serviced and conference call scheduled.

Can’t forget to arrange a ride for the kid’s soccer practice on Thursday and Friday.

Hmmm… now that I think about it, I really should bleach the house and do laundry before my in-laws visit this weekend.

Oh and there is that pesky marathon I’m supposed to run on Saturday. Better not forget that commitment.

Oh hell. Somebody call in a lifeguard. I’ve got the feeling that I may need a little assistance after all. Got a strategy you can recommend?

I was robbed, y’all.

Admittedly, I had my babies 100 years ago (roughly) but still… I feel ROBBED.

I’m talking about “push presents.” Push presents were not around back in my day.

According to Wikipedia, a push present (also known as a “push gift” or “baby bauble”) is a present a new father gives a new mother when she gives birth to their child. In practice the present may be given before or after the birth, or even in the delivery room.

And these presents aren’t small, oh no…

Rachel Zoe, stylist to the stars, was given a nearly 10 carat cushion-cut diamond ring designed by jeweler Neil Lane. Sarah Jessica Parker received a $6,000 charm bracelet after the birth of her son James Wilke. Tom Cruise gave wife Katie Holmes an 18-karat gold Cartier Love bracelet. And rumor has it Marc Anthony gave J. Lo a $300,000 canary diamond ring and a $2.5 million set of earrings, custom-made with diamonds imported from South Africa. (Naturally)

Wow.

Would I have liked a push present? Absolutely! But my idea of a spectacular push present is a little different.

My idea of cool push presents benefit the entire family:

• Five years worth of house cleaning service (Just until the little one hits kindergarten. Totally understandable.)
• A pre-paid spa treatment every month until the new baby… goes off to college (Back me up here, ladies. If momma ain’t happy…)
• A personal trainer (Hey, it benefits the husband too!)
• A personal chef (Who really wants to eat a meal created by a woman so sleep deprived that she can’t remember her own name? There is no telling what could be in that stew!)

So what are YOUR thoughts? Did you get a push present? What was it?

My son is having problems organizing himself in middle school. He is forgetting assignments and missing deadlines on quizzes. Suddenly it is up to his mother to teach him organization skills and how to manage deadlines.

Oh yeah. I’m TOTALLY qualified. Take a look at my desk RIGHT NOW. He doesn’t stand a chance.

Do you make THE LIST?

Surely you know what I am talking about. I can’t be the only one.

I was watching the trailer for Sarah Jessica Parker’s new movie “I Don’t Know How She Does It” and was struck by how similar our lives seemed. (Except for the whole living in Manhattan and looking stunning in business clothes because I am a size zero part. Because that is so not my reality.)

I confess that I laughed out loud when she described her nightly ritual of  forgoing sleep in order to make “THE LIST.” I do the same thing every single night. THE. SAME. EXACT. THING. In fact MY list making has gotten so out of hand that I now have a mini three ring binder with tabs labeled for work, family and blogging on my nightstand.

Many a night I find myself bolting out of a deep slumber to log something new in it’s appropriate tab. Over-the-top? Obsessive? Slightly pathetic? Maybe. But it is the glue that keeps this frantic working momma together. Without it… I am lost.

A sampling of what is in my binder right now:

Fess up! Anyone else use make “THE LIST” at night? What is on yours?

This week my darling little ones are at “CAMP GRANDMA.”

That is right.  My husband and I have an entire week ALONE.  And it is WEIRD, y’all. I kinda don’t know what to do with myself.

Having all of this time to myself reminds me of all of the time I wasted before having children. I look back on it in utter shame. What a loss! All of the things I didn’t do or take advantage of! Stupid, stupid girl…

So as a public service announcement (of sorts) I would like to impart some of my years of wisdom to all of the childless folk out there.

SIX THINGS YOU MUST DO BEFORE YOU HAVE CHILDREN:

GO TO THE GYM: Knock off the excuses. I don’t want to hear about it. No, you actually DO have time to work out. Once you produce little ones your definition of “me time” will be relegated to hiding in the bathroom while your 4-year-old pounds on the door to let her in.  If you can’t even pee alone THEN and only THEN can you say you don’t have time to workout.

SPEND MORE THAN $5.00 ON CLOTHING: Girlfriend, buy pretty clothes for yourself. The minute you birth that child all of your articles of clothing will be used as a napkin, vomit mopper or burp cloth anyway. Like it or NOT. Buy and wear the pretty stuff now. (And be sure to take pictures of yourself wearing it to prove that you once were a fashionista.)

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, TRAVEL: You will never have more money or more time. EVER. Soon your money will be spent on formula and car seats and braces and college. Do. It. Now. (I still don’t own a passport and I am staring down 40. True story. Don’t be me.)

SEE A MOVIE. NO SEE TWO: Once the kids come, movies go by the wayside. Watching “Back to the Future” for the first time 10 years after its release is not nearly as fun as seeing it in the decade it was made. (Yes, I have a friend who did this. Pathetic.) The same rule applies to book reading. Reading in bed equals sleeping. You’ll never be able to keep your eyes open again.

HAVE MORE SEX: Trust me, it won’t be as convenient or spontaneous after the little ones come, no matter how hard you try. (Which reminds me, my kids aren’t here this week. Why exactly am I blogging, again?)

EAT WEIRD FOOD: You need to be experimental while you can. Eat the escargot. Flambe the dessert. Add garlic and cilantro and olives and hot peppers while you can. Be ever mindful of the chicken nuggets, hot dogs and mashed potatoes that will make up the majority of your future culinary escapades. Liven up those taste buds!

So how about it? Anyone else have anything to add to this list? What am I forgetting?

Children? What children? Do I have CHILDREN?

Yesterday I had a day chock full of activity: New intern in the office. Meeting with my business partner. Meeting with a client. Skype meeting with another client. Proposal to complete. Annual report to finish. And so on and so on…

I didn’t even THINK ABOUT MY CHILDREN until 3:30 in the afternoon. Truly. I went a full 6 1/2 hours without them even entering into my mind.

Just what kind of a mother AM I anyway?

I suppose that I could look on the bright side and cite that my lack of concern was a testament to the quality of our babysitter.

Or was it?

What if it is just a sign of my being a heinous human being? I swear sometimes  I thank God that I no longer have small babies because I am not entirely convinced that I wouldn’t forget them in a grocery cart or leave them at the bank or something equally as ridiculous as that.

There is that part of me that feels like something is off in my motherly DNA. Why am I not as obsessively worried about them anymore? Is it a sign of their increasing growth and independence or my increasing self-absorbance?

Am I just too caught up in my work?

Is this normal?

Should I be stripped of my motherly title and all of the benefits contained therein? (Cough. “Benefits”) Anyone else ever experience something like this?

My youngest turns 10 in two weeks.

Let that sink in for a moment.  T E N. Double digits for both of my babies. I can hardly believe it.

We’ve run full steam into the tweens and I no longer find myself dealing with the easy issues like legos and boogers. Enter: INSECURITY. Enter: CONCERN. Enter: ANXIETY. Enter: EMBARRASSMENT.

Everything is getting more complex.

Sigh.

The soon-to-be-10 year old has developed a recent, shall we say, penchant for dancing.  (When I say dancing I mean MOVES, yo.) He watches his favorite band Big Time Rush execute choreographed masterpieces and he wishes to do the same. (Incidentally, mommy now knows the words to EVERY SINGLE Big Time Rush song. Oh. Yeah.) Yesterday, he and my niece found a “kicking” tune online and invented their own dance to go with it. Let me pause here and say, it was pretty darn good. (Thanks Dance Central!) They were perfectly in sync. I was impressed.

Later my little man took me aside and revealed his fears about his friends finding out that he liked to dance. He is worried that they will  laugh at him. That they will think he is weird.

Sigh.

He has never cared what others thought of him. Ever. He has been his own man since he could walk.

Of course I understand. I’ve been there. Oh, haven’t we all? I gave him a pretty killer mommy pep talk and encouraged him to follow his interests and do what he loves despite what others think. I think he understood. He is an extraordinarily intelligent boy.

This conversation, however, marks a new chapter in my understanding of his development and maturity. I get it. I don’t like it, but I get it.

So, until he is ready, this family will only be busting a move in private in front of the Kinect screen.  That’s okay. Mommy has no skills anyway. Seeing me dance in front of his friends? Now that would be WAY MORE embarrassing…

I must be a complete and utter failure at this parenting thing. In the years that my children have been alive (9 year old and 11 year old) they have learned nothing from me. Oh sure they can accomplish one or two things on their own, none of which are basic life skills. At this rate, there is absolutely no way these boys will be able to live out on their own any time in the next, say, 50 years.

Can you say PARENTING FAIL?!

FOR EXAMPLE:

What they CAN do: Communicate with each other using their own specially created language complete with code names and secret encrypted messages.

What they CAN’T do: Find matching socks. Hell, I would settle for them finding the sock DRAWER once in awhile.

What they CAN do: Shoot a moving target (read: me) from miles away with pinpoint precision using an uber hi-powered totally tricked out Nerf gun thingamajig.

What they CAN’T do: Aim and/or flush the toilet.  Is it really that hard? Are they lacking some vital fine motor skill that I am unaware of that would enable the completion of either of these tasks?

What they CAN do: Memorize and recite the fine details regarding every rock, fossil and gemstone found both here and abroad.

What they CAN’T do: Remember to brush their teeth. (Selective memory much?)

What they CAN do: Climb the entire tree house structure in Port Discovery in five seconds flat with absolutely no assistance or guidance.

What they CAN’T do: Open a door.

What they CAN do: Create an intricate two foot tall replica of Hogwart’s Castle made entirely of graham crackers, marshmallows, icing, M&Ms and pretzels.

What they CAN’T do: Make a sandwich.

I’m beginning to see a pattern here. Slightly important life skills = FAIL  Ridiculosity = MASTERY

Let’s blame their father.

Alrighty then.

The 11 year old has discovered boobs.

The following is an actual interaction between Tiny Ninja and I the other day:

Tiny Ninja: Mom! So, mom. Guess what?

Me: What?

TN: Okay. There is this girl in my math class who has THESE!  (Hands motion to the chest where boobage occurs.) Seriously!

Me: Ahem. (Clearing throat. Panicing.)  Uh, what?

TN: She has THESE, mom!  What is up with that?

Me: (Trying not to laugh) Really?

TN: Yeah, so I asked her why she had them.  I mean, where did she get them?  She is not supposed to HAVE THEM yet.

Me: UM, What did she say? (Oh dear Lord HE DID NOT ask her that.)

TN: She doesn’t know. Can you believe that? But mom.  Really, that is just so WRONG!

People, there are no words.  And yes, my husband IS proud.

Hello! Jennifer asked me to guest-post and when the social-media-maven asks, I jumped at the chance!

Jennifer is my idol because she’s so into fitness. My wife and I recently did the Jillian Michaels routine and I lost 15 pounds! I’m really psyched about it, too!

[psst] is she gone?
Excellent! She never really reads any blog beyond the first sentence, anyway
When Jennifer asked me to guest post I said, “sure, I’d be happy to post my fitness story.” She, who is training for the NY Marathon, was totally on-board!

She obviously only reads my blog occasionally Apart from the couple of posts where I talk about my “climb to weight-loss”‚™ (I like that so much I had to trademark it), I rarely mention “fitness.” You see, I’m a geek. What’s more, I’m a geek-dad. I can spot fellow geeks a mile away- especially geek-moms! I’m here to say that Jennifer is a geek. Oh sure, she passes herself off as “hip” and a “glossy, shiny girl,” but I’ll clue ALL of you in that she is really one of the geekiest girls I’ve known.

I can say this because I’ve hanged with the geekiest. I’ve been to sci-fi conventions, did FOUR years playing a vampire in several LARPs, voted Democrat (still do), as well as a few other things I won’t go into here. I’m here to tell you, she’s got her geek on!

Remember her “story” on going to see Twilight: Eclipse? What she didn’t tell you is that she dressed up as Bella for the occasion. Oh sure, she “went on” about how the audience went crazy whenever the shirtless Jacob came into view- but how does she explain this photo I acquired from that evening?! Cougar, indeed!

Then there was the time her iPad arrived “for research purposes in social media hardware.” Oh sure, she let on about how she was excited she was when she ordered it online. What she didn’t mention was that she had to because, though she waited in line 5 days, she couldn’t get one at the Apple Store the FIRST day it was out! Did she mention that she owned a 27″ iMac? Not enough? How about the gaming server farm in her basement?!

Oh, yeah- then there was the Star Wars convention… – that’s all I have to say about that.

Yeah, I’ve got her number. I’m on to her and I’m out to tell the world that Jennifer Gerlock is a geek! Don’t let her fool any of you again!

My job here is done.

…btw- can someone mention to her that we had to move D&D night to Thursdays because the Frederick Web Technology Group has moved to Tuesdays. Thanks

P.S.- ok- those aren’t “actual” photos, but journalistic illustrations. I don’t have any actual proof, but… then again!

Kevin Bruce is a totally geeky dad who blogs at Neutral Good. He is a real life pal (@kevinbruce) who has a saint of a wife and a beautiful little boy who probably already knows all of the Star Wars characters by heart. SIGH.

PS: I have no idea how he got those alleged pictures of me.  ALLEGED.