Children? What children? Do I have CHILDREN?

Yesterday I had a day chock full of activity: New intern in the office. Meeting with my business partner. Meeting with a client. Skype meeting with another client. Proposal to complete. Annual report to finish. And so on and so on…

I didn’t even THINK ABOUT MY CHILDREN until 3:30 in the afternoon. Truly. I went a full 6 1/2 hours without them even entering into my mind.

Just what kind of a mother AM I anyway?

I suppose that I could look on the bright side and cite that my lack of concern was a testament to the quality of our babysitter.

Or was it?

What if it is just a sign of my being a heinous human being? I swear sometimes  I thank God that I no longer have small babies because I am not entirely convinced that I wouldn’t forget them in a grocery cart or leave them at the bank or something equally as ridiculous as that.

There is that part of me that feels like something is off in my motherly DNA. Why am I not as obsessively worried about them anymore? Is it a sign of their increasing growth and independence or my increasing self-absorbance?

Am I just too caught up in my work?

Is this normal?

Should I be stripped of my motherly title and all of the benefits contained therein? (Cough. “Benefits”) Anyone else ever experience something like this?

My youngest turns 10 in two weeks.

Let that sink in for a moment.  T E N. Double digits for both of my babies. I can hardly believe it.

We’ve run full steam into the tweens and I no longer find myself dealing with the easy issues like legos and boogers. Enter: INSECURITY. Enter: CONCERN. Enter: ANXIETY. Enter: EMBARRASSMENT.

Everything is getting more complex.

Sigh.

The soon-to-be-10 year old has developed a recent, shall we say, penchant for dancing.  (When I say dancing I mean MOVES, yo.) He watches his favorite band Big Time Rush execute choreographed masterpieces and he wishes to do the same. (Incidentally, mommy now knows the words to EVERY SINGLE Big Time Rush song. Oh. Yeah.) Yesterday, he and my niece found a “kicking” tune online and invented their own dance to go with it. Let me pause here and say, it was pretty darn good. (Thanks Dance Central!) They were perfectly in sync. I was impressed.

Later my little man took me aside and revealed his fears about his friends finding out that he liked to dance. He is worried that they will  laugh at him. That they will think he is weird.

Sigh.

He has never cared what others thought of him. Ever. He has been his own man since he could walk.

Of course I understand. I’ve been there. Oh, haven’t we all? I gave him a pretty killer mommy pep talk and encouraged him to follow his interests and do what he loves despite what others think. I think he understood. He is an extraordinarily intelligent boy.

This conversation, however, marks a new chapter in my understanding of his development and maturity. I get it. I don’t like it, but I get it.

So, until he is ready, this family will only be busting a move in private in front of the Kinect screen.  That’s okay. Mommy has no skills anyway. Seeing me dance in front of his friends? Now that would be WAY MORE embarrassing…

I must be a complete and utter failure at this parenting thing. In the years that my children have been alive (9 year old and 11 year old) they have learned nothing from me. Oh sure they can accomplish one or two things on their own, none of which are basic life skills. At this rate, there is absolutely no way these boys will be able to live out on their own any time in the next, say, 50 years.

Can you say PARENTING FAIL?!

FOR EXAMPLE:

What they CAN do: Communicate with each other using their own specially created language complete with code names and secret encrypted messages.

What they CAN’T do: Find matching socks. Hell, I would settle for them finding the sock DRAWER once in awhile.

What they CAN do: Shoot a moving target (read: me) from miles away with pinpoint precision using an uber hi-powered totally tricked out Nerf gun thingamajig.

What they CAN’T do: Aim and/or flush the toilet.  Is it really that hard? Are they lacking some vital fine motor skill that I am unaware of that would enable the completion of either of these tasks?

What they CAN do: Memorize and recite the fine details regarding every rock, fossil and gemstone found both here and abroad.

What they CAN’T do: Remember to brush their teeth. (Selective memory much?)

What they CAN do: Climb the entire tree house structure in Port Discovery in five seconds flat with absolutely no assistance or guidance.

What they CAN’T do: Open a door.

What they CAN do: Create an intricate two foot tall replica of Hogwart’s Castle made entirely of graham crackers, marshmallows, icing, M&Ms and pretzels.

What they CAN’T do: Make a sandwich.

I’m beginning to see a pattern here. Slightly important life skills = FAIL  Ridiculosity = MASTERY

Let’s blame their father.

Alrighty then.

The 11 year old has discovered boobs.

The following is an actual interaction between Tiny Ninja and I the other day:

Tiny Ninja: Mom! So, mom. Guess what?

Me: What?

TN: Okay. There is this girl in my math class who has THESE!  (Hands motion to the chest where boobage occurs.) Seriously!

Me: Ahem. (Clearing throat. Panicing.)  Uh, what?

TN: She has THESE, mom!  What is up with that?

Me: (Trying not to laugh) Really?

TN: Yeah, so I asked her why she had them.  I mean, where did she get them?  She is not supposed to HAVE THEM yet.

Me: UM, What did she say? (Oh dear Lord HE DID NOT ask her that.)

TN: She doesn’t know. Can you believe that? But mom.  Really, that is just so WRONG!

People, there are no words.  And yes, my husband IS proud.

Hello! Jennifer asked me to guest-post and when the social-media-maven asks, I jumped at the chance!

Jennifer is my idol because she’s so into fitness. My wife and I recently did the Jillian Michaels routine and I lost 15 pounds! I’m really psyched about it, too!

[psst] is she gone?
Excellent! She never really reads any blog beyond the first sentence, anyway
When Jennifer asked me to guest post I said, “sure, I’d be happy to post my fitness story.” She, who is training for the NY Marathon, was totally on-board!

She obviously only reads my blog occasionally Apart from the couple of posts where I talk about my “climb to weight-loss”‚™ (I like that so much I had to trademark it), I rarely mention “fitness.” You see, I’m a geek. What’s more, I’m a geek-dad. I can spot fellow geeks a mile away- especially geek-moms! I’m here to say that Jennifer is a geek. Oh sure, she passes herself off as “hip” and a “glossy, shiny girl,” but I’ll clue ALL of you in that she is really one of the geekiest girls I’ve known.

I can say this because I’ve hanged with the geekiest. I’ve been to sci-fi conventions, did FOUR years playing a vampire in several LARPs, voted Democrat (still do), as well as a few other things I won’t go into here. I’m here to tell you, she’s got her geek on!

Remember her “story” on going to see Twilight: Eclipse? What she didn’t tell you is that she dressed up as Bella for the occasion. Oh sure, she “went on” about how the audience went crazy whenever the shirtless Jacob came into view- but how does she explain this photo I acquired from that evening?! Cougar, indeed!

Then there was the time her iPad arrived “for research purposes in social media hardware.” Oh sure, she let on about how she was excited she was when she ordered it online. What she didn’t mention was that she had to because, though she waited in line 5 days, she couldn’t get one at the Apple Store the FIRST day it was out! Did she mention that she owned a 27″ iMac? Not enough? How about the gaming server farm in her basement?!

Oh, yeah- then there was the Star Wars convention… – that’s all I have to say about that.

Yeah, I’ve got her number. I’m on to her and I’m out to tell the world that Jennifer Gerlock is a geek! Don’t let her fool any of you again!

My job here is done.

…btw- can someone mention to her that we had to move D&D night to Thursdays because the Frederick Web Technology Group has moved to Tuesdays. Thanks

P.S.- ok- those aren’t “actual” photos, but journalistic illustrations. I don’t have any actual proof, but… then again!

Kevin Bruce is a totally geeky dad who blogs at Neutral Good. He is a real life pal (@kevinbruce) who has a saint of a wife and a beautiful little boy who probably already knows all of the Star Wars characters by heart. SIGH.

PS: I have no idea how he got those alleged pictures of me.  ALLEGED.