My son almost dropped a rat into the communion wafers today.

I wish I were kidding.

Somewhere between me dropping him off for Sunday school and our attending Mass, my son was given a small fake rat by one of his friends.

That’s right. A RAT.

Why?

Um, why do little boys do anything like that? WHO THE HECK KNOWS!?

I wasn’t privy to this information until midway through the church service.  In all reality, I should have known something was up.  He was being entirely too quiet in church.  Not that he is unruly normally, he is just a tad on the fidgety and whiny side.

Today he was SILENT. And, obviously, occupied.

So once I figured out what in the heck was going on (meaning: what he was up to) it was time for communion. Of course I hissed at him to put it in his pocket. To which he ignored me and stuffed it up his shirt sleeve instead.  BECAUSE HE TOTALLY KNOWS BETTER THAN ME, OF COURSE.

Is anyone out there Catholic? Or perhaps, knows something about taking communion in church?

So, you know that part of the service when you are supposed to cup your hands together and receive the communion wafer?  Well, I’m just wondering if it is considered a bad thing if your child is holding a small rodent in his hands at the same time that the communion wafer happens to be placed there.  Because I am pretty sure that happened to me today.

Yes. I am such a proud mother right now.

I guess it could have been worse. He could have dropped the sucker into the bowl of communion wafers.

I have a feeling that I am going to get pulled into the priest’s office next week.

I’m quite giddy at the moment.  You see, my kids just spent the evening penning their first novels.

Yeah, you heard me.

Instead of merely being content tackling their classroom’s required reading, my budding authors decided that they were going to write their own stories and read them to each other thankyouverymuch.

I was overjoyed to hear them in their rooms writing away on their notepads and devising new plot points for their characters.  It was adorable!  (As you know, this Mamma loves books and always has.  It has been an obsession since my youth.)

But at this point, I am afraid that their little projects have spun out of control.

My oldest now wants his book sent to a publisher. And he would like that publisher to make his book into a movie.  Like, pronto.  Meaning – tomorrow.  Or at least by next weekend before our Blockbuster goes out of business.

He is unbelievably serious about this.

Oh dear.

There wouldn’t happen to be any publishers reading this right now that are interested in a story about a princess who finds a secret world? I, um, think she gets eaten by a cat.

Riveting, I tell you.

We interrupt the regularly scheduled blog post to bring you this news bulletin: OHMYGOSHIHAVEASTYLESECTIONINAMAGAZINE!

No idea what I just said? That is because I am so excited!  (WARNING: This blog post might be peppered with an unbelievable amount of exclamation points.)

I just got the new issue of Frederick Magazine in which appears my first ever STYLE SECTION!!!  Yes, I am going to be obnoxious about this because really, am I qualified? According to my sister – NOTSOMUCH.

According to my editor – apparently.

NOW do you understand my unrelenting need for exclamation points???!!!!

A magazine girl’s dream to be sure.  To bad I don’t get to keep the fab clothing that I featured.   At least I got the chance to try on the hat before I had to return it.  (It is one of many from the fabulous Tiara Day store. I could live there, truly.)

Come to think of it, this section might end up being more of a problem then a blessing.  I have a feeling my wardrobe might be expanding in the future. Oh well, all in the name of research right?

“I’ll sleep when I am dead!”

Yeah.  I always hated that phrase.  When I was a kid, I used to think it was a declaration in stupidity.  Cause, really, sleep is lovely.  Sleeping in a comfy bed with a down comforter wrapped around you is the ultimate happy place.

Now that I am a mom, I understand that phrase perfectly because that is what my life has morphed into.  I never sleep anymore.

It is all because I had children.

I put them to bed at 8:15pm. At 9:42pm they were are still awake.

Fully, awake.

Like, asking questions awake.

Like, wanting a snack awake.

They never sleep.

I would like to know…. No, let me rephrase that… What I DEMAND to know is when I can actually sleep again? I thought that surely by now my children would be snoozing regularly. Bed at 8:00pm. Waking at 7:00am.

And me… I had visions of my husband and I sleeping soundly through the night. Quiet, uninterrupted, slumber. Zzzzz……

I’m gonna be honest with you. THAT has NEVER happened. They still wake me up.

It is a rare occasion, indeed, when my children don’t wake up in the middle of the night yelling for me or my husband. On those rare occasions they haven’t woke up, they sleep-talk. Which is kinda like sleep walking except it is out loud. Usually it consists of important random tidbits (screamed at the top of their lungs) like, “I SAID IT IS A CIRCLE!” or “MY CRAYON SMELLS LIKE TOAST!”

And of course, we hear them yelling and we go tearing down the hallway to investigate…

You know, nobody warns you about this. Basically you are told that once you get your “babies” to sleep through the night, everything else is golden.

Don’t buy it, folks. If you are pregnant or have small children, you had better just come to terms with it now. You won’t be sleeping through the night again until they are away at college.  Actually, now that I am thinking it, THAT is not even true. I’m definitely sure I will loose sleep when they are at college.  HOLY CRAP. 

Then that means, NO SLEEPING AGAIN… EVER!  I am just realizing this.

Dr. Spock has no idea what he is talking about.

I am concerned about future interaction with my children. At this point in my life I am the all-knowing-all-seeing-mother-of-the-world.  

I see that role changing fast. SUPER fast. My time as the queen bee is coming swiftly to a close.  The kids are ALREADY hitting me with questions that, quite frankly, I can’t answer.

Technical questions.

SCIENCE questions.

I am just going to go ahead and be honest with you – science was not my best subject in school. Truthfully, I squeaked by. BARELY. And although I would consider myself a morning person, science questions thrown at me before noon unravel me faster than anything.

For example, the other morning Young Jedi approached me with this little inquiry:

“Mom, what does DNA stand for?”

“Who?”

“DNA, Mom. What does it stand for? What IS it?”

“Um, DNA?”

“Yeah. DNA. For real?” (As opposed to what? For NOT real?)

Okay, I won’t lie. I had to Google it. Google, by the way, is my favorite modern day invention. (Besides chicken nuggets and Splenda.)

“DNA stands for DeoxyriboNucleic Acid.”

“What!? What’s THAT?”

(Google, Google, Google…) “It is the genetic material of a cell.”

“What is a cell?”

(Oh, man! For the love of Pete… Don’t know that one either. Googling…)

“A cell is the very smallest unit of living matter. All living things including plants and animals are made up of cells. Cells are made of atoms, which are the smallest units of matter. There are many different kinds of cells….” (At this point he is bored and totally not listening to me but I am fascinating myself.)

“Okay, okay. Thanks, Mom. Sheesh!”

Sheesh? OH. NO. HE. DIDN’T.  I think it is worth repeating – Young Jedi is eight. Eight! (I’m in for a ride, aren’t I?)

For the record, he thought DNA stood for Deadly Nicotine Apple. Duh, even I knew it wasn’t THAT. Sheesh!

In honor of one of the biggest regrets I’ll have all year (missing my high school reunion – long story), I am posting the biggest, baddest, eighties-hair picture in the world:

Who: Stacey, Lori, Jennie (Me), Christine, Lisa, Kay, Kim and Sherry

What: Linganore High School Senior Prom

Where: Where else? Girl’s bathroom

When: 1989

Best Accessories: Aqua Net & Lace

I am so sorry that I am missing the extravaganza!  Have a drink for me…

Tags: 1989, high school prom, Linganore High School

Today I am sending you a bit of love… all the way from AFRICA.

Okay, I am lying.  But I am really at the next-best-thing-to-the-really-real Africa …  Disney’s ANIMAL KINGDOM! I know.  You hate me.

So instead of blogging, I am a slacker.  I hope you understand.  BUT, because I love you and because I am totally feelin’ all Africa-like today, I wanted to post one of the most AMAZING THINGS that I have seen in a long time.

I was totally blown away when I saw this video of Perpetuum Jazzile. First, let me preface – remember the 80’s band Toto?  (If you are too young to recall them then seriously, OMG!) Specifically, do you remember their big hit- Africa?

Well, check this video out.  The choir is so incredibly talented.  (Keep in mind that there are NO MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS being played.)