Once again I have to share with you the brilliance that is my friend Karen. She is really a gifted, yet warped,and incredibly funny mommy.  (Read her guest post here.) And although I have not yet convinced  her to write her own blog, she is kind enough to let me share with you some of my favorite Karen-isms.  For example:  Every year she writes these funny pharmaceutical-themed carols that just make me smile.  Can anyone else relate?

Yeah, I thought so.

WALKING WITH SOME XANAX IN MY HAND
(Sung to the tune of “Winter Wonderland”)

Cell phone rings…I’m not listening
Because today….I’m CVS-ing
A beautiful sight.
I’ll be happy tonight.
Walking with some Xanax in my hand.

Gone away…a migraine that hurts.
Told PTA…I think they’re all jerks.
Feel I can do no wrong.
Might even put on a thong.
Walking with some Xanax in my hand.

In the morning, I meet a nice policeman.
Stops me going 90 through downtown.
He says – “Are you harried?”
I say NO, man!
I just can’t feel my toes, or hear a sound…

Later on…my buzz expires.
My pharmacist…has been fired.
I’ll still face the day.
Found some more on eBay.

Walking with some Xanax in my hand!

Do you ever hide from your family?

Stupid question.  Well, OF COURSE you do.

Are there every any time when you just need a moment to yourself?  Or you just can’t deal with the situation?  Or perhaps JUST CAN’T MENTALLY TAKE IT ANYMORE?

I thought so.

What do you do about it?  I personally have tried the they’ll-never-find-me-in-the-bathroom trick and the I’m-changing-I’ll-be-right-down trick.

Neither work for me. Nobody cares.

I have no dignity.

So I don’t hide anymore.  Instead I sometimes DON’T COME HOME. Which of course is a also form of hiding…only more effective than the hanging out on the potty or pretending to be  in various states of undress.

Case in point… last night I had to run out and make a presentation for work.  I left the kids in the care of my wonderful husband for the night. He had to handle the soccer game, their homework and bedtime.  Now, I happened to get out of the presentation a little bit earlier than expected and called home with the intent of informing the family.  Immediately upon picking up the line, hubby told me that  Tiny Ninja  had a science quiz the next morning and that studying was NOT GOING WELL. 

AT ALL.

At which point my car ACCIDENTALLY veered itself away from the house and towards the grocery store.

Ahem. Yes. I went to the grocery store to avoid the family.  I just wasn’t ready to deal with a science quiz.  Truthfully, science is torture for me.  So I hid at the grocery store.

I know… SAD.  And yet, victorious at the same time.

I’m participating in FLASHBACK FRIDAY put on by Texan Mama! Yeehaw! Hope you enjoy this golden blog oldie.  I’m sure SOMEONE out there can relate!

My husband is a good man. He puts up with A LOT.  He and I are opposite in so many ways.

He is a detail man.  An everything-has-a-place-man. An if-you-put-things-right-back-where-you-found-them-we-wouldn’t-have-this-problem-kind-of-man. I am NOT. I try. But I am more of a free spirit when it comes to organization, especially when it comes to housework. And, of course, my husband is essentially right. (Albeit in a housework-utopian-society-kind-of-way.) But, as for me, there is always SOMETHING that comes up to thwart my efforts.

Let’s go on a journey through 10 minutes of the mess and chaos of my life shall we? One example – a pair of my running shoes that has not yet made it back into the closet. So, theoretically, I should have been able to take them off my feet and toss them into the closet. Oh, I mean, lay them gently into the designated running shoe cubby. Yeah.

So here is what happened instead. I took them off…  At that precise moment, my son yelled dramatically from the other room. I sprint over to him and find that he and his brother are pounding each other over a Light Bright design. I settle the argument and notice hundreds of Light Bright pieces all over the floor. Oh dear. (Dad won’t be amused by that.) So we make a game of it and pick them up. In the middle of that the phone rings. It is my friend reminding me it is my turn to bring snack to soccer. I run down the stairs to see if I even have something that would qualify as a snack. Nope. Put it on the list of things to do. I then notice the laundry is finished. I put a new load in and take the other out and begin folding it. Kids come running downstairs and want a drink. I get them a drink. They spill juice everywhere and I clean it up. I begin emptying the dish washer because I can’t even put the juice cups away due to the overflowing sink with dirty dishes in it. I am halfway through this task when hubby comes home.

So this is what my husband sees: Kitchen a mess. Sticky floor. Laundry strewn everywhere. Light Bright pieces not picked up. (Because they decided to dump them out again while I wasn’t looking.) And then, of course, he tripped over my shoes. Yeah, those shoes. The ones that should have been put away as soon as I took them off my feet.

And then he says…. “Jen. Why don’t you just put these away right when you take them off?”

Listen up, Hollywood.

I have something I would like to scream at you:  Stop making adult movies out of children’s playthings!!!

It is not fair to the children who beg to see your movie because they think it is about their heroes OR to the parents who are now needing to protect them from their so-called heroes.

For example:  G.I. Joe. Was it really necessary to make it into a violent, blood-soaked movie? Really?

And how about Transformers?

Let me tell you a little bit about what happened after my kids watched Transformers…. You know what ONE WORD my children retained from that movie?  “MASTURBATING.” (Did you know that they threw that little ditty in the movie? Why, yes.  Yes, they did.)

Oh yes, this is definitely appropriate for a child.

That very word came out of my son’s mouth.  Actually, that word came out of my son’s mouth while talking to MY FATHER.  Can you imagine my dad’s reaction?

Transformers 2 wasn’t any better.  A lot of sexuality in that one.  We unfortunately found that fact out while accompanying my son to his friend’s (9 year old) birthday party at the movies.   Her mother was totally mortified.  Blatant sexuality wasn’t in the first one.  I mean, what the hell?

You know, there are so many “family” movies out there that would be JUST FINE if you would just leave out the random f-bomb or stupid sexual innuendo.  You know what might happen if you left out all the cussing and the sex?  You might actually have a blockbuster on your hands.

BECAUSE PARENTS COULD SAFELY TAKE THEIR CHILDREN TO THE MOVIES AGAIN.

I hate to say this but I am kind of becoming my mother. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my mom and actually strive to be like her in most ways… BUT ONE.

All of my life my mother was famous for espousing annoying tidbits of wisdom.  She had these little sayings that she would spout off to us kids that would drive us crazy.  (Oh, she knew it too!) I fondly call them “Mom-isms.”

I can rattle off hundreds of them…

“Your eyes are bigger than your stomach.”
“Come back smarter than you left!”
“If you don’t have time to do it right, you’re going to need to make time to do it over.”

And my personal favorite: “Don’t drown in a glass of water.” When I hear this one I just want to throw myself off of a bridge, it makes me so nuts!

And now… well, NOW I find MYSELF saying the same damn things to my own kids.  When did that happen?!!!

Anyone else know what I mean?  If so, feel free to leave your favorite  “Mom-isms” in a comment below.  We will all relate, I am sure!