This week my darling little ones are at “CAMP GRANDMA.”

That is right.  My husband and I have an entire week ALONE.  And it is WEIRD, y’all. I kinda don’t know what to do with myself.

Having all of this time to myself reminds me of all of the time I wasted before having children. I look back on it in utter shame. What a loss! All of the things I didn’t do or take advantage of! Stupid, stupid girl…

So as a public service announcement (of sorts) I would like to impart some of my years of wisdom to all of the childless folk out there.

SIX THINGS YOU MUST DO BEFORE YOU HAVE CHILDREN:

GO TO THE GYM: Knock off the excuses. I don’t want to hear about it. No, you actually DO have time to work out. Once you produce little ones your definition of “me time” will be relegated to hiding in the bathroom while your 4-year-old pounds on the door to let her in.  If you can’t even pee alone THEN and only THEN can you say you don’t have time to workout.

SPEND MORE THAN $5.00 ON CLOTHING: Girlfriend, buy pretty clothes for yourself. The minute you birth that child all of your articles of clothing will be used as a napkin, vomit mopper or burp cloth anyway. Like it or NOT. Buy and wear the pretty stuff now. (And be sure to take pictures of yourself wearing it to prove that you once were a fashionista.)

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, TRAVEL: You will never have more money or more time. EVER. Soon your money will be spent on formula and car seats and braces and college. Do. It. Now. (I still don’t own a passport and I am staring down 40. True story. Don’t be me.)

SEE A MOVIE. NO SEE TWO: Once the kids come, movies go by the wayside. Watching “Back to the Future” for the first time 10 years after its release is not nearly as fun as seeing it in the decade it was made. (Yes, I have a friend who did this. Pathetic.) The same rule applies to book reading. Reading in bed equals sleeping. You’ll never be able to keep your eyes open again.

HAVE MORE SEX: Trust me, it won’t be as convenient or spontaneous after the little ones come, no matter how hard you try. (Which reminds me, my kids aren’t here this week. Why exactly am I blogging, again?)

EAT WEIRD FOOD: You need to be experimental while you can. Eat the escargot. Flambe the dessert. Add garlic and cilantro and olives and hot peppers while you can. Be ever mindful of the chicken nuggets, hot dogs and mashed potatoes that will make up the majority of your future culinary escapades. Liven up those taste buds!

So how about it? Anyone else have anything to add to this list? What am I forgetting?

From my column on Want2Dish.com:

Picture a 6-year-old girl strapping on a flowered halter top with falsies and suckling her baby doll at the imaginary breasts. Complete with slurping and gurgling sounds and cries for hunger.

A Spanish toymaker is introducing a breast-feeding baby doll to the market. The doll’s name is Bebe Gloton, (translated as “gluttonous baby”) and it is causing quite the controversy. Feel free to watch the manufacturer’s video, if you are curious.

Company executives tout, “The Breast Milk Baby will revolutionize our nation’s attitudes to good infant health, while letting little girls share in the wonder and magic of motherhood. The Breast Milk Baby lets young girls express their love and affection in the most natural way possible, just like Mommy!” (BTW –  The doll retails for $99.)

My personal opinion? I think that it is beyond creepy.

I know that I am going to get a lot of flack for my opinion, but REALLY?!  Picturing my niece playing in the yard with fake nipples and a sucking baby just makes me shudder.

Read more here….

I keep forgetting that people on the web don’t really KNOW me. Oh sure, you know a bit about my family, my thoughts on various subjects and, of course, my running obsession. But unless we are pals IRL, you may not know me for the true GEEK that I am.

I’ll save you some trouble and just go ahead and out myself right now: I’m crazy about Potter.

I love everything about the Harry Potter series. I’ve read all of the books and now … seen all of the movies.

((sigh))

I’m not even going to wax philosophical about how light triumphs over darkness or my love for JK Rowling’s vivid imagery and compelling storytelling. Nope. Not even going to go there. (If I did we’d be here all day…)

Instead I want to focus on the educational benefits. As in how this one series helped shape a generation of readers… a fact that never ceases to amaze me.

In a study conducted by the research firm Yankelovich and Scholastic Educational Publishers, children and their parents credited the Harry Potter books with inspiring more youngsters to read for enjoyment. Over half of the children (between 5 and 17) claimed that they didn’t read books for fun before discovering Harry Potter, and 65% even reported they have been doing better in school since they started reading the Potter books. 89% of parents in that same study reporting their children showed an improved attitude toward reading, and 76% believed their children fared better in school since starting to read the Potter books.

I know that I have personally seen my own reading-challenged son work diligently to read and comprehend the series. I’ve shared with you before the intensive interventions that we’ve undergone since he was in 1st grade. The fact that he is putting forth such an effort to read a book of this level truly underscores it’s importance.

It makes my heart melt.

Well done, Harry. Well done.

Yoga is my nemesis.

I don’t practice yoga. At all. In fact, I avoid it at all costs. It has become this “thing” hanging out there that… TAUNTS ME.

My brother is a huge advocate of the practice. He gently, scratch that,  not-so-gently reminds me that I need to give it a try. He has found free classes in town for me to attend. He has set the bookmarks on my Mac so that these classes pop up every time I hit the Internet. (And being the not-so-savvy-Mac girl that I am, I have no clue how to change those settings.) He even sends me random texts every once in awhile to remind me that my nemesis is still hanging out there… UNCONQUERED.

My big stumbling block is not the actual physical effort involved, rather, the whole gentle, quiet contemplative nature of the practice.

Asking me to clear my mind and get into a serene, calm space is like asking a weed not to grow. (Yes, I just called my mind a weed.)

There is just no way it is going to happen.

I’m not sure if it is because I am a mother or because I am a multi-tasker by nature but I find it impossible to turn off that little voice in the back of my head that is constantly reminding me what I have TO DO, LEARN, CREATE, CONQUER and REMEMBER.

I have no doubt that yoga, and all it represents would be beneficial.

I’m just not convinced that I can quiet my mind…. EVER.

How about you? Have you ever achieved that state? Is it possible? How the heck did you do it?

Children? What children? Do I have CHILDREN?

Yesterday I had a day chock full of activity: New intern in the office. Meeting with my business partner. Meeting with a client. Skype meeting with another client. Proposal to complete. Annual report to finish. And so on and so on…

I didn’t even THINK ABOUT MY CHILDREN until 3:30 in the afternoon. Truly. I went a full 6 1/2 hours without them even entering into my mind.

Just what kind of a mother AM I anyway?

I suppose that I could look on the bright side and cite that my lack of concern was a testament to the quality of our babysitter.

Or was it?

What if it is just a sign of my being a heinous human being? I swear sometimes  I thank God that I no longer have small babies because I am not entirely convinced that I wouldn’t forget them in a grocery cart or leave them at the bank or something equally as ridiculous as that.

There is that part of me that feels like something is off in my motherly DNA. Why am I not as obsessively worried about them anymore? Is it a sign of their increasing growth and independence or my increasing self-absorbance?

Am I just too caught up in my work?

Is this normal?

Should I be stripped of my motherly title and all of the benefits contained therein? (Cough. “Benefits”) Anyone else ever experience something like this?