I could fill an entire book with insane things that my kids have said to me. If you have children, then I am certain you know EXACTLY what I mean. Sometimes it takes all of the willpower contained in this body just to keep from laughing out loud at the things my little ones come up with.

The other day Young Jedi had me discussing toe hair. No, seriously. TOE HAIR.

YJ: MOM! LOOK AT THIS! Why do I have this long hair coming off of my toes?

Me: Honey, everyone has hair on their toes. It is natural. No worries.

YJ: No. You are wrong!  He (Tiny Ninja) doesn’t have toe hair.  Look!  LOOOOOKKKK!!!!

Me: Well, he WILL. He just doesn’t have it yet.

YJ: But I DON’T WANT TOE HAIR!!!

And from there, honestly, I had to walk out of the room.  I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I am a grown woman debating about toe hair with my 8 year old. OMG.

It just occurred to me tonight that I have no idea what I look like for REAL.

Ever have that problem?

Have you ever noticed that you look vastly different from one mirror (at the store for instance) to another (in the harsh light of your bedroom)?

Or is it just me?

I spent the entire weekend at Ocean City in a bathing suit and I am not entirely sure if I looked (a) hideous or (b) passable.  Just depended on the mirror I was looking into at the time.  And why is that exactly?  Does ANYONE really know?

The mirror at Kohl’s was okay.  Enough so that I plunked down hard earned cash for a skirted tankini.  A SKIRTED TANKINI.  (That is a future blog, trust me. I have fundamental issues with tankinis and skirts as swimwear. Then I went out and spent $60 on one. Hence the reason I drank the entire weekend.)

When I got home I tried it on and it looked even better somehow. Sweet.

When I put it on in Ocean City… I HAD A FLIPPIN’ HEART ATTACK.  Suddenly I was faced with impending beach lounging and I was looking at double the cellulite. Triple the thighs. I even had BACK FAT!

Five minutes later I snuck a peak at myself in the living room.  The LIVING ROOM THAT WAS MADE ENTIRELY OF MIRRORS.  (Who’s idea was that, anyway?) And well, it was only semi-horrifying.

I have no earthly idea what I really looked like.

This happens to me all the time.  I will go shopping and get a cute outfit only to find that I look like a cow when I get home.  Or I will think that I look put together when I leave the house but later in the day I find myself startled at the image reflected in the mirror.  Like, “Who put THAT on me?”

Seriously. Why. Is. This?

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There is strength in numbers, right? We all experience the absurdity of kids, husbands, life and the perils of being a mom. It is in this spirit that I will occasionally feature a guest blogger who will share with you her stories, thoughts or just plain mania. Enjoy this blog from my pal Kris B… mom to Ben (7) and Jake (2)

I have been participating in a women’s bible study on Wednesday evenings for several months now.

It’s become a love/hate thing as I am as stay-at-home mom and spend much of the day cleaning, laundering, picking-up, etc. So, many nights I return home from my “night out” only to find that everything I’ve done throughout the day has been “un-done” and then some. Those of you in my situation understand. Sometimes I think it’s not worth it to leave the other members of my family home “alone” (including my husband) – EVER. (Seriously. I wish I could prove this point to my husband by sneaking out in the middle of the night and carefully un-plucking every patio paver he’s laid that day so when he arrives at the job the next morning HE has to start all over (he builds patios for a living). But that’s a whole other blog already…) Anyway, I was out at bible study and returned home to find everyone asleep and the place a DISASTER. I crawled into bed thinking about starting all over again in the morning… literally.

On the way to drop my son off at school the next morning (because that’s how overbearing us stay-at-home moms are that we drive our kid to school, despite the fact that the bus comes right to our house, so we can get in the line-up of mini vans and overpriced SUVs to see who’s already showered and put-together and who’s frantically wiping away yesterday’s mascara as she greets the person opening the door for her kid to get out of the car for school while still in her pajama’s and driving with her slippers on…)

I asked him “What in the world did you all DO last night?” (I think I was just hoping to find out that perhaps someone else was in my home and left it looking like it had been looted and pilfered.)
My son (7) answered, “We just watched TV.”
(Yea Right!) Curious I asked, “Oh, what’d you watch?”
“The HOLY Show” he replied.

OK, now he had my attention. Pressing on, I had the feeling this was going to be good… “What’s that?”
Now, one can only hope that with several years of Sunday school under his belt that perhaps something has rubbed off on him and he was enjoying a wholesome evening learning more about the path I have set him out on.

He stared out the window and ever so nonchalantly continued, “It was really cool, Mom. These guys were doing all this cool stuff on motorcycles and stuff and after everything they did they say “HOLY!”
Hmmm... my mind was racing as I tried to reach into the depths of my inner TV Guide to pull out what in the world he may have seen.
He ended his summary with “I’m not even kidding, it was so cool!”

In my years of experience with kids and religion it’s very uncommon for the two words “holy” and “cool” to be uttered in the same sentence. Unfortunately, we had arrived at the school and I had to bid him farewell. Later in the day when I was about halfway through (doing what I had spent the entire previous day doing) my husband walked in for lunch (and no doubt to ask what I’d been doing all day). As bent out of shape as I was with him for the previous night I had to find out more about “The Holy Show.” So, I asked him, “What did you and the boys watch last night?”

He answered “I dunno, why?”

When I explained my conversation with our son about their evening he thought for a minute before breaking out into hysterical laughter. Um,apparently my husband was watching (and therefore by default my kids were watching too) some motor cross extreme stunt show. The show was shot by amateur videographers using a hand held camera and taping their friends doing incredibly stupid stunts on motorcycles. Apparently each stunt usually ended in a wreck to which the cameraman could be heard yelling “HOLY SH#@!”

And so there you have it, “The Holy Show.” Not a nudge in the ethical directional path I have chosen for him. A ”man” show. Cool. So, not only did my physical hard work of the day get undone in a matter of hours, but now, my efforts to lead him down a morally sound path…out the window. Nothing left to do but, start all over again tomorrow.